Journal Entry February - Surrender

The following blog is a journal entry. It is unedited and raw. When I mention the Divine, I must share that what I am referring to is not the judgmental God of many religions, but instead what I consider the Source of All That Is and fully and completely loving and unconditional.  

Surrender 

The phrase “I am not enough” came through strong today to answer the question that was asked me about a belief I maybe holding onto. It came through a sacred tarot card from the RUMI deck. I pulled the Cloak of the Christ card and later read the Passion for Purpose that goes with it. This was the answer to my question about a belief that I am holding onto. That “I am not enough.”

Earlier this week, in the field past the neighbors, I stood in the sun on the snow and closed my eyes. Something similar came through to be released related to the notion of not being enough. I asked for this energy from this life and past lives to be released. A lot seemed to be released in the Divine's presence and at the very least, it seemed to open me up for my Friday session with my colleague and mentor, Fran, so as to receive more healing. I have been feeling off, mind unsteady, heart anxious, and physical body unstable. Fran helped. So did the Ascended Masters as they performed an energetic surgery on tears in my energetic field. Fran asked me to “allow healing to occur” and I said that it felt like I had just come out of surgery.

It feels that way still. I slept the last three days 12 hours at night, knowing I needed to heal. Today has been slow but nice. I have resisted the temptation to be busy and tried to allow the healing to occur. It has helped and the Guides have been working on me since last night. The tarot card spoke of or alluded to this gift of Love on a much deeper level and the greater fulfillment of my destiny, or actually, the Divine destiny for me. I have been giving up in prayer all week my path to the Divine, in surrender, or at least trying. I am using a prayer of Surrender. 

I feel sometimes great resistance in me to let go. It’s not new. It feels as if I have been gradually letting go for years now but also fighting back, in the sense that with each letting go, I hold on tighter until more is forced to release. I want to release it all and let go but it seems I am still on a gradual path to said letting go and that some challenges and roadblocks remain to be cleared. One of them, maybe a big one and a deep one, as Fran said; seems to be completely here with me now. You see, I’m not still not sure what letting go means. I feel like I let go many days but then again I feel like my mind is very much in control of the letting go process which is to say that I am not truly letting go. Letting go may mean complete surrender to the present moment with no expectation or conditions upon that moment and yet, we are built with and live in a world of conditions. What does that surrendered state of being look like? Feel like? Act like?

I’ve had glimpses of it in my life and it’s even sustained for a few days or a week or two but not nearly long enough. The feeling that “I am not enough” has many implications and it informs everything I have experienced here. I realized again that in the last months I have fallen into the pattern, both consciously and unconsciously, of thinking I am not enough and pushing for success in writing and all endeavors. It most likely led to the current impasse, the need of healing.

The sense that I am not enough drives me to do more than I am capable of or even want to do. It is not sustainable and it is critical and pushy about my goals. I’m no stranger to this feeling of pushing or straining to achieve. It’s a disease of this world. I’ve been told and seen the hard way sometimes that straining gets me nowhere too fast while letting go and being "open to the flow" in the present takes me where I am supposed to go or be. If only I could remember this more regularly as I strive. But today and this week, I do, as my body craves rest, as I am asked to heal the past, and to slow down. The voice that says “but there is so much to do” is a voice of fear and anxiety. It is for me a mental anxiety that I am running out of time to publish my half-written multiple books, attain greater professional success of some kind, travel more, and/or achieve/share some creative genius that seems to live within, be seen and heard. It is a voice that says there is so much for me to do and if I don’t go fast and be efficient with my time I will miss the boat and lose my best opportunities for greatness. Is this voice in me also one of ambition? It strikes me that it is and I know it is acting in fear of the inevitable: my own death or maybe, actually, its death. But will I lose out or miss the boat?

I don’t think so. I don’t think I have, contrary to what these parts of me might say. If I believe that there is a Divine plan for me and that I am constantly being guided to fulfill that plan, how could I miss the boat? It’s a question of timing. The Divine's time is not always my time. My time is often premature only to come later when I am least expecting it or in the present moment. The flow state is just as productive as the doing state and actually, more productive; because it is aligned with our true nature and purpose, not the contrivances of the goal-orientated mind.

I know I have experiences of feeling like I missed out. I’ve held onto these and they also seem to drive the voice that wants results now. But how much can I do in one lifetime? I know I have more hopes and dreams for this one still but will they be revealed and experienced? And how does letting go and surrender help with that? I’ll let you know when I find out.

My challenge now also is to return to the feeling of “I am enough” and all of its implications. Not only am I enough but that I have done enough so far in my life. That all I have experienced and achieved if you will, and been for self-growth and in service to others has been enough. While it does not satisfy this voice in me and I sometimes want more, I know that that is not my call as I surrender. It is surrendered into the hands of the Divine. It is the Divine's hands and the Divine's experience through me. What He/She has chosen for me so far has been wonderful though difficult, but often rewarding. What will be chosen in my life to come doesn’t really depend on me in a larger sense. I do have a role in it and I do have to move and act but that movement and action is the Divine's through me as I let go to Her. I have to pay attention to the signs and honor the messages in each moment and allow Her to heal me and work through me for His desired end.

Accepting this is hard for me knowing I have to give up control. But was I ever in control? I don't think so. I thought I was and it sure seemed that way but my life has been out of my control from the beginning. I have set forth a plan to follow for this life but again that would have been the Divine's plan. And so, I am out of control and moving into surrender. It feels more real now than it did to me back in 2016 when I began letting go. Maybe I am on the cusp of something or maybe this is just my mind that thinks I am.

Whatever the outcome, I have no control. This is by far that most difficult thing humanity may face today or any day. We have no control over what happens; we just have to be prepared to act when our number is called or when we feel called to act. It won’t be ours anyway, in the personal sense, but it can breathtaking and wondrous and more freeing than anything we have ever known. I just pray that when my number is called (again?), I hear it and I am able to answer the call, whatever it may be asking me to do. But I already know what is being asked of me. It is to Surrender everything in each moment to the Divine and to Life itself unfolding and experience what comes after that. And also in that, to deeply know that "I am enough."