Monday, January 2, 2017

New Year's Resolution?

Happy New Year! We get to start over, right? Unless the past follows us into the future. :)

How about a New Year's resolution: Believing and experiencing that there IS enough.

The last few days I have been noticing AGAIN how I have these thoughts that there is not enough.

There's never enough of the things we want in life: time, money, opportunity, happiness, etc.

It seems to be a common internal dialogue. If I could just do this or do that I'd be happy. If I had this or had that, well, I'd be happy. Just give me those things I think I want and I'm happy.

And then I get some of those things that I want. May be they come to me or may be I create them through hard work. But guess what?

It's not enough. I want more and I start over again. If I could just get this and get that I will be happy again. And the story I tell myself goes on and on so much so that I am living in a perpetual state of not having enough and its painfully disappointing.

But then I tell myself that I "should be" happy. I have a good family and friends, I have a job, and I have people around me who care for me. Why do I have to be so unhappy and even ungrateful when I have so much to be grateful for? I guess I don't but I am.

And I see where it goes next. I punish myself for being ungrateful, for judging myself and my situation, and for getting angry with myself which builds a new cycle of not enough in my life while inflicting terrible wounds on an already struggling me. This sucks, right? I think so.

These are tough patterns to break and I go through it all of the time. More than I would like.

Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting more. Don't we all? But I wonder if it's the tiring act of "wanting" and the perception that we "don't have enough" and the emotion attached to it that gets us down? Most of these emotions are inherently negative in my experience.

When I am going through these negative emotions, it's often because I'm resisting what is.

I'm not willing to really look at what's bothering me in my life or whatever it might be. The emotions around it aren't enjoyable to feel and I'd rather just live avoiding them and in a negative space of not enough and unhappiness.

Ugh. Really? Wow, what a recipe for a miserable experience, Jon.

But before I judge myself more, there's another way to try: to have compassion for myself because this whole thing of life and being human isn't easy.

Also, what if I started thinking and acting like I had everything I needed to be happy and healthy and successful? That the world is abundant and that life is perfect just the way it is and no matter how it appears. Pipe dream? I don't know. The alternative still isn't that inviting.

I think positive thoughts about myself and about my life even if I have rough days and things don't go the way I want them to. I stay strong in my perseverance of positivity. I'm not being ignorant to the stuff that's going on but I'm choosing not to let my ideas of not enough, the world's ideas of not enough, and the negativity get me down.

It's a real chore and I don't always enjoy it because if you haven't noticed, people are spewing negativity these days. In fact, at times, and I consider myself a positive guy, I am also leaking negative thoughts all over the floor.

But I have a choice. I am choosing this year and with visible resistance already to believe that happiness and having enough IS possible and that I can create more of it. Don't we deserve this? Call me crazy but I think we do.