Thursday, December 22, 2016

I've struggled my whole life to understand who I am .

I see one thing and then another and I want to put it all together and I can't.

I've come to accept that we are expansive individual beings and that there is not ONE truth to anything but many Truths to everything.

If, however, there is ONE truth, for me; it would be our heartfelt desire to experience LOVE and UNITY with each other. It doesn't appear that way on the surface today. We can find love and unity but we mostly hear about hate and division.

I often want to know why things are the way they are and I'm disappointed when I can't know everything. I've come to accept, with great difficulty, that some things are better left unknown.

We are here to do and be something in our lives. I think we all have many gifts to share and I don't think we are using enough of them or our vast potential to heal ourselves, our experience, and our communities. I don't think we believe we are good enough or capable enough of changing our experiences. Because of that, I think the world is the way it is.

I've been on the sidelines for a long time. Yes, I've dabbled here and there in professions, received degrees, been committed to helping others, and I'm fortunate to have had many rich experiences both here and abroad. I have a lot to be grateful for.

However, I've been afraid. Full of fear. Afraid of failure, of what people might think, of speaking from the heart and soul, of making mistakes, or not being perfect, and the list goes on and on. While I have been uniquely able to be vulnerable about my life to others at certain times, I've mostly shied away from it in fear, shame, and a feeling of unworthiness. I've seen that at my most vulnerable, however, I've had the greatest possibility for healing and that it heals relationships in whatever form they choose to take.

It became pretty easy for me to suffer. I got good at suffering. Suffering for what has happened in my life, for what might happen, and for reasons that I could only intuit as being deep wounds that needed to heal.

I've been consciously healing these wounds for the last several years of my life and it's been shitty at times, magical in others, transformative, painful, sad, euphoric, and shown me things about myself and humanity that I'd rather not see but knew I had to in order to heal and then eventually, if invited, to help others. The alternative was just more suffering, fear, and inertia.

As 2016 ends, I recognize that I'm still afraid of living my life to the fullest, of sharing my truth with others outside the comfort zone, and of being an advocate for Everything I care about. I still find it hard to honor my path when it feels like everything at once or nothing at all.

I am seeking to be courageous now and would like to share my gifts and experiences with all of you and hopefully you'll share yours with me and we can work together and support each other to both find and create peace and love in these challenging yet transformative times.